MissMore

MissMore
A lady on her knees has power to change it ALL.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

In the hope of outrunning a bullet

I grew up ePimville Zone5, main road. One Christmas day my sister sends me to go and get sticky tape from some house across the road. I must have been 16 or so.
I’m in chicky hot pants, and some ‘gum-gedlela’ shoes, my Christmas outfit, I’m hip and definitely happening.
Microbus stops next to me, my heart starts pounding, those cars were notorious for drama and mayhem nje. Grrrrrr. In the car are... 2 guys.
I recognize one, his name is Themba (TS), known thug in the area, he lived close by. I relax because I had befriended him. In those days you either befriended them or they haunted your very existence.
I greet him, ‘heita’….he says nothing. Instead he looks at me coldly, blankly, like he didn’t recognize me or he doesn’t want his friend to know that he knows me. I’m confused but calm.
The driver says ‘Voetsek ngena emotweni’. Oh crap. Really? I don’t move. I look at Themba, I give him that look ‘C’mon buddy save me!!!!!’. He looks away. Yoh yoh yoh. Now my heart is makings its way down to my groin at 80km’s an hour. Driver pulls out a gun from underneath his seat ‘ Voetsek s’febe, ngena emotweni’. I say a short prayer ‘Lord have mercy, Amen’. Quick discernment – ‘there is no way I’m getting in this car willingly…’ Driver now points the gun at me, and Themba opens the door of this VW microbus. I hate this car. Noways. I’m still frozen. Now the driver opens his door. I start running towards my house. Husein Bolt strides, determined to outrun a bullet. Ok. He shoots, I hear the shot, I fall…..’have I been shot?’. Jezasi. My stubborn nature says ‘get up sisi, get up’. Driver is walking towards me with his gun pointed at me. I manage to run into the yard, we had those slam-lock Trellidor hoezits. I slam it shut. My sister could see the look of fear, confusion and absolute rage in my face. She asks ‘Keng Mmukzo’, I can’t speak. I lock myself in the bathroom. Driver gets into the yard and yells ‘ngizokuthola !’….
After a few minutes I tell my sister what happened. She had seen a man with a gun through the window. She wipes off my tears, gives me sugar water. We resolve to go on with the business of Christmas.
3 weeks later, I bump into Themba e13 (some house down the road), I’m going to buy baking powder eSpaza. He says ‘ithi ngikukhaphe’. Oh Bawo.
He khaphas me to the spaza, we buy baking powder. But we are walking with an entire herd of pink polka dot elephants. I will not bring this up. He doesn’t either.
He walks me home, I’m so scared but I will not give him the benefit of letting him in on my fear. As I approach my gate he says ‘ungibekele amakhekhe’. I say ‘sure’.
THE END!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Dear Woman Beater

Dear Woman Beater

Today your little girl learnt to pray. She is a bright and starry eyed little girl. All of 3 years old she is praying that God save her mom from your cruelty. She heard in sunday school that God can save you from pain. 'God help my mommy to be good so that daddy doesnt have to punish her until she bleeds'. She repeats those words like a chorus to a nursery rhyme until the meaning has faded and it becomes just another song. She falls asleep too scared to cry, just in case her whimpering further infuriates you. Today your little girl learnt that its possible to consumed by fear and rage all at the same time.

You see, fear and rage will be the ones to govern her relations from now on. FEAR AND RAGE. She commits to memory the look of terror in her mommy's face. When her eyes connect with her mom's, whilst you are planting permanent scars on her body, this girl child now owns this pain. Yes, now your little girl connects with every punch from your over-sized fists and every kick from your sharp BEE shoes. When her beautiful brown eyes meet yours, she is tormented as she no longer sees her daddy but an enraged and wild animal, similarly she now owns your rage as she does her mom's fear.

Later on in life she will look for a man who has that same under-tone of rage and insecurity in his eyes. She will look for a 'daddy' in random chaps with child-hood baggage of their own. Your little girl will find that inner-rage irresistable and charming. Your baby will confuse love for rage.
The day you visit her in hospital after her boyfriend has beaten her to an inch of her life. You need not wonder or question where her self-esteem has gone to. You took it with you, you put bit sized chunks of it in the rubbish bin with bloodied tissues from her mom's nose.

You're and educated man right? So if you've heard of battered woman syndrome right? She stays and later marries that very same man. She will raise your grand-kids with that syndrome and transfer that 'fear and rage' in them. Why wouldnt she? She was raised the same way. They too will get beaten up by the likes of you, a man who can not control his emotions and shows his masculinity through violence. I know that as you read this, you think back to your childhood home and how your dad's violence towards your mom. Its no excuse brother, you knew then it was wrong and you know it damn well now.

One day as you kneel at your daughter's grave, trying to forget her cruel death at the hands of a heartless man. Remember she started dying the day you put your hands on her mom. Dare not cry, you are an accomplice in this. Its time you learn how to pray.

Regards,

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dear Future Husband.....

Below are different notes I have been writing to my 'dear future husband'. Its important to note that I have not met this lovely hubby of mine, well I think I havent met him. I cant take credit for the concept, I saw it from a friend FB status, liked it and 'stole' it. I have written quite a few...here are some below:
UNIVERSE ARE YOU LISTENING....??? LOL!!!

Dear Future Husband: I strongly believe that a man must set the tone and pace for a courtship and thereafter a marraige. I dont operate ka di suttle hints. I will not hint back either. I will not ask you out, I will not propose to you, I will not fork out my savings to help you pay lobola. You are the man here, set the tone, make a plan and I will comply. Your wife - *respecting the natural order*

______________________________________________________________________

‎'Even when I wake up and I find Im alone, cos the whole world has turned to stone. When my God says its time I take you home I'll be happy going, knowing that I loved you' Amel Lerrauix *Dedicated to Dear Future Hubby*

______________________________________________________________________


Dear Future Husband: with ALL due respect, I'm not your mother. Its not my place to nag/shout at/discipline or mother you. I trust you've graduated from being a boy and have earned the right be called a man, to be precise MY man. Your future wife (in good standing) MM
 _______________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband; when you have a bit of flu - Im the type to take the day off, feed you oranges, make sure the family Dr to comes to YOU, make chicken soup and curry for you, ginger tea, fluff your pillows, read the instruction leaflet of your meds and spoil you to health. Trust you can handle that, its in my nature, its love, not mothering. Love M.M
_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband; yes we'll wake up in the same bed, have breakfast together etc, but its important to me that (no matter how busy we are) that we both remember to touch base at least once a day. Phonecall/sms'nyana. 'how's yo day? /what's for lunch/hey sexy' 3min nje. Call it midday foreplay. Love, MM

 ___________________________________________________________________________________
ok guys tu. The 'Dear Future Husband' notes I write cos I like them.They make me blush,giggle,plan and dream. kinda visualize what kinda wife I'll be.... NOT so every Tom, Dick and Sipho can 'shela' me via inbox. On some 'Im the one u've bin writing to'. Haaaiboh. Imani kancani!!
___________________________________________________________________________

I have a wasp nest/home thingy under my bedroom window. Dear future Husband - where are you???!!!

Dear Future Husband, I'm willing to learn to fully submit to you. Willing to learn. Mara I'm not going to submit to wishy washy, nonsensical, 'neither here nor there' concepts neh lovey. So I trust you know your story grand and can lead with purpose. Much love MM.
__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband: Everyone has 2 sides. A good side and a bad side. A past, a future. A dark side and a bright side. I embrace both in you because I love you that much. Hope uGrand honey. Love; me.
__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future hubby: I've taken myself out for dinner and movies. Ate alone and paid my bill. Got myself the movie combo 4 (popcorn, juice & wine gums). Feel free to come and take over, anytime!!!
__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband : when the wife is ready, the husband appears, or is the other way round??? ok mara there's preparation in order for both of us... Love u madly.
__________________________________________________________________________

dear future husband, you are my favourite person.
__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband: ekhaya si favour iChiefs neArsenal, and we love The Lord.
So although we may not be together YET, tonight we are cheering for the same team/s neh lovey. Yours, Mmulelantlu ....................
__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Future Husband: I'm not ready for you, my Maker is still moulding me to be your chosen wife and helper. Allow Him to do His work on you too. We both deserve refined and tested material. I love you. Me
___________________________________________________________________________

Dear future husband: I trust you have a bible, otherwise how will you lead without knowledge??? Your future wife, MM

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Your ministry is where your misery has been #Tell your story (Stars' Story)

WE ALL HAVE A STORY TO TELL

I have had the pleasure of interacting with a wonderful young lady named Dinaledi Mosa Tleane. I call her Stars. Thats a fitting name (she is bright, she is vibrant, she is witty, aims high, stylish and works hard). We connect in many different ways that are neither describeable nor fathomable. We click. This young lady has such depth in her character, how many times do you come across a 24 year old who loves  and understands Jazz Music? Im talking Nina Simone, Chris Botti and the like. Her confidence allows her to take long and comfortable strolls to places where other females her age wouldnt dare step. I have observed her humour, her straight-forward demenour, her peace and even her rage and wondered where her fire comes from.

I have learnt this analogy from her: "Sometimes in life you have to close your eyes, run as fast as you can and hit that wall with all you have. Indeed the wall may not break, but it will sure shake, and if you do it enough times...that wall will eventually break." Yep, thats my stars - high levels of profound at that age.

Below is her story. She responded to the call for us all to tell our stories. The stories that bind us and never set us free. The stories we keep to ourselves until our hearts are filled to the brim with hatred, shame and pain. Stories that affect who we are, how we relate to others, our relationships, our daily lives. Her story (unedited and in her own words is below).



" I don’t know much… All I know is that I hate him. And many nights I prayed for his death.
I am battling with words…
Rather I am battling with hatred and fear.
I hate him so much… that I feel so stupid. I know better not to waste feelings on such a person. I know better to not give a hell about him. But I do….
So many nights I prayed that he would love us. All we got from him was a beating…
I am battling with words…
I’m battling with emotions…
He beat her; he chased us on the streets in the middle of the night… At times, bare footed, other times barely dressed.
He broke her nose one time… and chased us out when we tried to intervene.
Most Friday nights, we spent at the police station... all four of us.

I remember one summer evening. The clouds were heavily pregnant… and I could feel thunder and lightning storm brewing.
It rained hard… and the thunder was just too loud, and lightning was just too bright. It poured like hell, and once again we were on the streets… Trying to find a place to lay our heads… He kicked us out while the storm was on. We ran, with no idea where we going. That’s where my fear of thunder and lightning comes from.

I hated her. I really did. I hated her for staying there. WHY did she stay? She should have left, maybe our childhood wouldn’t have been so screwed up…
Aaaah!!!
I am battling with words.
I am battling with HATREAD and FEAR.
I don’t want to remember. And I have done well to hide these things… I have done well in living a lie.
I hate him so much that I shake when I think about him.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It could take me a year to tell you the truth about us. And that would only be a percentage of it.
When my peers dreamt of their wedding days, I dreamt of the day he died. Oh how happy I would have been. No wonder none of my relationships work out. I am always on the lookout of “him” in every man I date. And I always find it.

Honesty… If I never had to see him again, I would be the happiest person alive. But see, for now, he has a hold over us. And it is my mission to break that hold. I work hard every day, just so that I can buy my mom her OWN house. NOT a house jointly owned with him.
I want him to suffer and it is ridiculous because he doesn’t give a F@%k about me nor my feelings.
All I know is I want him to pay a very hefty price.
I’m also terrified. By rate that I am going, I will collapse and probably not wake up. I know that I need to forgive and move on. But how do I forgive someone who feels like they haven’t wrong me?
Can I just get what I want for a change? Can I be genuinely happy?
I am battling with words.
I rather speak… and tell the Truth about us."

Your ministry is where your misery has been - tell your story.
There is some little girl out there who can be saved or healed by your story. She needs to hear not only about your success but also about what pains you, about your failures. Tell your story.

You're loved
MM

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I admit to you and sundry.....and its okay

“For He has not given us the spirit of fear and timidity, but of Power, Love and Sound mind”
(2 Timothy 1:7)
This is my affirmation, my confirmation, my authorization from a power equal to none.
I say it and recite it, each time with emphasis on a different word, yet I still find myself enveloped by fear.
I am scared
Scared to live on, scared to die
Scared to be defeated, scared to conquer
Scared to be right about myself and even to be wrong about others
I am scared of failure as much as I am scared of success
Scared to decide or make a stand, scared to be counted or even ignored
In a state of analysis paralysis, asphyxiations of anxiety
I am afraid to let go but too frightened to hold on
Fearful to give up, and scared to persevere
You see the theory is not similar to the practice; one has throbbing heart beats while the other is nothing more than words
I have read the quotes, narrated the mantras and internalized the pep-talks
I’m terrified of commissions and omissions, supplications and demands
I’m scared to admit or deny, scared to acknowledge and recognize what is from what isn’t
Scared to be vulnerable or sheltered
Scared to be exposed or protected
Scared to heal and deal, scared to worsen and aggravate sleeping demons
Terrified to burden them by letting them through the door, petrified to shut them out
I stand still, horrified of my bright future, ashamed of my past
I dare not look up as you might recognize the fear in my outlook
As you might spot the panic in my gracious smile
Everyday I am woken up by a rush of adrenalin, edgy and consumed
My questions, my answers, my utterances and my opinions are fear based
Terror speaks through me, it speaks for me. My words are seldom mine
I say it well because I carry it well
Each day brings an opportunity to have a conversation with one or more of my fears
I choose whether it’s friendly or hostile, it’s almost always the latter
Pushes me to nasty confrontations, never soft whispers and pillow talk
Fear is my currency – I trade in it. I often exchange it for love.
It’s never a fair trade as one cancels the other out, unfairly so
I keep running, even in my dreams I gallop in fear
Instead of running from it, I run with it as it is part of my psyche
I admit to you and sundry; I am scared. And its okay.

You’re loved
M.M

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Its much much easier to say than to do!

Its been a very tough and draining time for me. I have had so much to share, to say, to write to make sense of. I have had so many thoughts, some completely abstract, come and rent space in my head. I have not found nor made the time to sift through them and make sense of them, but I found in important to say this.

You can read books as thick as your well toned thighs, with big words that neither you nor your learned friends can pronounce. You can google and research. You can write and read thesis'. You can listen and educate yourself on issues. You can have a PHD degree Cum Laude on phylosophy or pshychology. Your title can be Proff or Dr....some issues you will never comprehend until you have gone through them.

Its so easy to stand on the outside to give instructions, to question and judge from the outside. Its easy to point a finger. Its a breeze to say : Build a bridge and get over it or the more common 'move on'. Its easier to say than to do. We forget that context plays a huge role, then there is background, upbringing, beliefs, habits, situations, timing, faith, values etc to take into consideration. You may have been raised in the same city, by parents who earned the same, went to the same school or even better in the same household but your frame of reference is not the same. It can never be. You are two different people.

We all stand on the outside and make interesting yet wrong pronouncements on what we would have done had we been in the same situations. There's nothing wrong with advise - it always comes from a good place, from people who care; mara we have to understand and embrace the peace in our souls if and when our advise is not been taken. It is afterall a 'use it' - 'dont use it' situation.

You will never know, no matter how learned or trained you are, until you have gone through the same situation. So lets not judge or question from a place of authority as if we have been there ourselves. Our place is to support, intercede in the form of prayer and listen (some talk more than the aggrieved person - haaiboh). They seem to know more about the situation than the soul thats going through it.

We need to allow and empower individuals to heal and deal in a manner that speaks to their spiritual and mental capacity. Permit them to operate in their own vision.Yes you may be a stronger person but that's you . There is a serious issue with imposing our strength on others. You see they may take your strength, embody it, move and deal at your pace and tone....very soon they will bomb out, simply because they are operating outside on their capabilities. Being forceful and judgemental can only alienate the person concerned.

Indeed there is always a place for guidance from an objective source, that helps put things in perspective and may be able to device a  way forward.
You'r loved
M.M

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Your ministry is where your misery has been #My story


November 2010 and I find myself reliving very painful memories because of what is in the headlines this week. I find myself literally chocking, unable to breath or think. The flashbacks haunt me in my sleep till this very day.
Let me take you back to 1988, I was 7 yrs old when an uncle from Malawi came to live with us. Those of you who grew up koKasi will know what I talk about when I mention diBack-room. He was my mom’s cousin from Malawi who had come to seek the ‘Gauta’ in Gauteng. He was quite an animated character, full of life and energy, he was playful at the worst of times, he spoke funny (think Chirwali – Mzini wezinsizwa) and I obviously took a liking to this guy because I was the only child in a house full of serious adults. I, as a result, ended up spending a lot of time in the back-room. I remember he had this fascinating ghetto-bluster radio thing that would light up all colors of the rainbow when it was lit.
On one particular day, I was in his room as it was the norm after school. I noticed him massaging his ‘down-there’ with me in the room; in my innocence I giggled (as a little girl would) and let it go. A couple of days later it happened again, but this time he asked me to touch him, it felt all sort of wrong but I did it. This happened often for months. He gave me strict instructions not to tell anybody, he threatened me. I never told a soul. It got worse. One day he took all his clothes off and asked me to touch his manhood. I remember my skinny light skinned small hand on him, this was wrong and I knew it. From that day on this man continued to abuse me at every opportunity he got. The one day he made me sit on top of him, I remember screaming in pain. I really had no idea what was going on or whether what was happening had a name; was this love? It was pain I had never felt before. My innocence had been taken by a trusted adult. Here is the thing right, I thought this was normal. That it happens to everyone but my gutt disagreed, my being knew better, even at that tender age.
A couple of years later he left our home and went to live elsewhere. I carried it with me for a long time. I somehow managed to block it out of my life as with many bad things that happened in my childhood. For many years I never thought about it, it never crossed my mind until one day my mom told me that he had passed away after a long illness. I don’t remember how old I was at this time, but I remember secretly rejoicing that at least I was guaranteed that no-one would ever find out how I allowed myself to be violated by my uncle.  A part of me still feels like I allowed it. I remember being particularly jovial at his funeral – a little guilty though but relieved that he would be buried with the shame and anguish I had buried so deep inside me.
Fast forward to 1997, High School in Rustenburg. We had bunked boarding hostel to go out with friends for the weekend. Some boys had come to pick us up to take us to some village about 30minutes away from the school premises. I was with 2 of my girlfriends and these boys, one of which went to our school. The party was lousy, almost hilariously so, but we decided that since we were there we would make the best of it. We danced until our legs couldn’t take it and eventually it was time to sleep. I chose a room in some seedy motel and fell asleep. One of the guys we were with who liked me came in with a gun in his hand. I kept calm and pretended to be sleeping. He took off his pants, my heart started racing. I remember him telling me not to scream as he raped me with a gun in his hand. I remember trying to fight but my body failing me and completely paralyzed by the fear. In my head I was fighting, I was using my legs and hands to fight but the reality is that I just lied there. The memories of my uncle many years before came to poke me in the soul. I remember going numb and the only thing I could feel were the tears streaming down my face, past my temples and into my ears. He finished, and lied there next to me. I stayed awake till the next morning. Walked out of there, found my friends and went back to school. Yet again I never told a soul. I was too scared to tell anyone, especially my parents. On Monday he started telling people I was his girlfriend, it infuriated me yet I still felt too paralyzed to react. This was my fault again. On good days I know better, on bad days the pain is unbearable- but in God I trust.
I read Akona’s story yesterday. Mine is no better than hers, it’s very much like hers. She did it first and I applaud her for it. It inspired me. I am number 2. I pray that there will a number 3, number 4, number 5, number 30, number 10 000. Let’s tell our stories and continue to shout NO. Apparently only 1 in 9 rape cases are reported. If you are one of the 8 –BUA !!! – help some little girl in the same situation. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!
Your ministry is where your misery has been!

You’re loved
Mmulelantlu More